A few minutes ago, I had an emotional moment… Pain that I’ve been keeping bottled up inside for years released itself, and now I feel so free. During my journey to success, I’ve learned that letting go of the past is necessary if you want to move forward and succeed.
I must admit, it’s hard. It’s hard because digging into wounds that are not healed carry pain that you didn’t want to experience ever again. It means feeling the hurt that someone close inflicted upon you. In my case, that close person was my mom.
Between the ages of 13-16 years, it was hard for me. It eased up after I began driving, then began again after I moved home from college. It ended after a significant, tragic event: the death of my brother.
When I was a teenager, my mom, daily, called me names that no teenager deserves, no matter how rebellious they can be. She told me I wasn’t going to become successful because I had book learning sense and no common sense. And she used that to build my brother up right in front of me.
She wished bad things upon me, and they would usually play out. As a teenager, schools do not teach you how to deal with negativity or your own self-talk. They don’t teach you how you give others the power to make you feel certain ways.
At least they didn’t in my school.
And as far as my dad, he was a place I could retreat to. We had our moments, but nothing compared to my mom and I. In fact, he had no idea any of this was going on, until now, because I have to get this pain out of my system. And honestly, no one seems to understand my situation, so he welcomes me to talk to him.
He just assumed that I knew I was well-rounded. I think most parents feel this way, but a child isn’t going to tell you what they feel if they think it isn’t what you want to hear. Especially if it means losing your love and validation.
Vice versa, parents aren’t psychics either lol.
So, here lately, I have really been learning about me and what’s special about me, and why I should embrace all of me. I’m learning to embrace that part of myself that’s been tremendously wounded. Accept, release, and replace so I can heal.
The Moment that Has Restored Me
But just a moment ago after listening to a webinar by Joan Sotkin (she’s really good if you’re looking for confidence to start your own business or make more money), I had a breakdown while washing dishes.
I thought about my mom’s childhood, how her mom, my grandmother, was never there. She didn’t have any real upbringing, except for my elderly, but sickly great-grandmother. I feel that my mom never learned how to accept herself or how to love. I feel that she’s holding a lot of anger from her past, not just towards her mother, but even some of her relatives who picked on her constantly.
My mom didn’t have a great example to follow. What’s more, she watched her little brother get better treatment than she did, and was more than likely told that her brother would be well taken of and she would have to work for the rest of her life.
Same things she bestowed upon me. So, in that moment I forgave my mom. Seems like she would have known better, but she can only work with the cards she was dealt. She is a wounded child who is still protecting herself through denial. Strong denial.
I feel so much more free. If I have children one day, I don’t want to be resenting my mom because I could end up doing those same things to them. I vow to be a better parent than my mom because I am handling my pain now so that I can break those generation curses. I have the power to do that.
Now I have the power to forgive her, and forgive myself for resenting her. I’m not saying everything is going to be easy from here, but I feel that I’ve finally made the first necessary step.
I have the power to heal, and build the self-concept that was passed down to me, then re-enforced through negative messages. It’s hard but I want it so bad. And so far, it’s been a ride full of learning, and I love to learn. Learning empowers me.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to one of my many stories. My only hope is that it help others who have had the same experiences as me 🙂
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